Adventures in Havoc
by BigBoom550
Summary: Total crack. In which the Bleach universe is made fun of... A lot. Everything from overpowered OCs to Hanataro being more important than anybody realized. To Division Four having a city made of paper under it, and to the OC waiting room. To those over-abused characters rising up to slay the rest of the Seireitei. To sleep depravation. And to holes in space. Lots, and lots of holes.
1. Hado 99

Retsu Unohana watched the Vasto Lordes laugh at her.

"Well, Shinigami? Is that enough?"

Unohana smiled. "Not yet. Hado Number ninety nine."

She brought one hand up, palm towards the hollow.

* * *

Ichigo and the Captain Commander watched from the ridge near the fortress.

"Sir, are you sure captain-"

"Silence, Ichigo. You are about to see Hado number ninety nine."

Ichigo frowned, but started as Captain Unohana appeared in front of him, having flash stepped.

"Hello, Ichigo."

A crack in the sky opened up. At first, Ichigo could only see darkness. Then, two massive, white eyes appeared, looking around before sighting the structure.

Its eyes gleamed, and a giant red mouth formed, full of blindingly white teeth.

The mouth opened, the closed, then yelled:

"I'M A FIRIN MAH LAZOR!"

* * *

**No. I have no idea what this is.**


	2. It CAN go wrong

Rubbing his head, Shogekiha sat up.

"What the…"

He looked down, seeing a chain in his chest, rapidly decaying.

Right before it eroded away, he said the only thing that came to mind.

"Fuck."

REWIND

Two Hours Before

Shogekiha Arashi looked out the window of the plane, after putting down his manga.

"Alright… two more hours-"

BANG

The plane shook, and began to fall.

"…Fuck."

* * *

As the chain finished, he sighed.

"Okay, aim for Hueco Mundo…"

When he reformed, the new Hollow sighed, standing up on the plates that covered his back. Shaking, he looked up to see several massive Gillians looking down at him.

"Disadvantage… small, insignificant. Advantage… small, insignificant, smart. Okay!"

Ten minutes later, as the brand-new Adjuchas walked away, he snorted.

"Seriously? Ten minutes, and I ate enough Hollows to become an Adjuchas? Meh, if I;m right, then some Adjuchas should show up…"  
BZZT

"…Speak of the devil…"

Ten minutes later, the brand-new Vasto-Lordes strolled along, smiling-

"That can't happen!" Nel yelled, glaring at Shogekiha. "It takes more than ten minutes to become a Vathto Lordes!"

Shogekiha gave the girl a dry stare. "I was yanked out of my world, turned into a demon, and have spent the past century in a _fucking desert. _How, in all honesty, am I supposed to-"

A Garganta opened up, and out spilled Ukitake and Rukia.

"…For the love of fucking Kami… brat, stay here."

The Vasto Lordes stood up. Around his ankles and wrists were scales, and his back had twelve massive plates on what looked to be arms. His tail, three pronged, swung behind him.

Wandering over, he blinked as Rukia and Ukitake stood up, both ready to fight.

"We're not going down without a fight, Hollow!"

"What year is it?"

Both Reapers blinked. "Um… what?"

"What year is it?"

"…2000, by the human calendar. Why?"

"Huh… Okay. To be honest, I'm hungry. But, I spent the past GOD DAMN CENTURY in the most GODFORSAKEN DESERT! I need to GET THE HELL OUT! HOW THE HELL DO YOU OPEN A GARGANTA!?"

Both Reapers blinked. "…What?"

Shogekiha sighed. "I… I'm sorry. I just… I spent the past century with either the voices in my head or that brat. Needless to say, it sucked. So, how the HELL do I get out? I mean, chirst… here. Aizen, that nice Captain of Fifth, is planning to make an Arrancar army and kill the Spirit King. He has a magical orb. Kisuke Urahara, Yoruichi Shihoin, Tessai Tsukabishi, and the infected reapers are innocent. Kaein is now a bastardized Hollow zombie. Fuck…"

Both of the reapers nodded and slowly backed away from the bearly crazy Vasto Lordes.

"Anyway, fuck it… Barragan has been bothering me. I'm going to go wake Starrk up, kick the old man's ass, and then go to sleep. Later."

He walked off, leaving two baffled Reapers behind him.

"Captain…" Rukia started, blinking. "What just happened?"

"…I have no idea."

* * *

Sitting on the throne, Shogekiha sighed as Coyote yawned.

"Good god Starrk, stay awake!"

"Meh… Tired…"

"Look, we get the magic orb-"

Aizen stepped out of a portal.

"Cero Oscuras. There, see? Magic orb. Arrancar?"

"Arrancar."

Nel blinked. "Whath's an Awancar?"

* * *

Spinning on the chair, the black-haired man smiled as a short Chinese woman ran in.

"Why did you kill Aizen!?" she demanded.

"…Seriously? Seriously? NOBODY investigated WHY THE HELL HE WAS IN HUECO MUNDO IN THE-"

"Shatter, Kyoka Suigetsu."

"Mother fucker…"

* * *

_So yeah. That's how I, an Arrancar, somehow would up in a false body, shoved into high scool, and had to babysit the DUMBEST substitute Shinigami in existence. Along the way, I was to make friends, learn new lessons, and discover myself._

_…Pft. Like I would. I am more than an Arrancar. I am…_

_…A troll._

* * *

Shogekiha, having memorized most of the information, sighed as he spun in his chair. How he did this in a school chair was beyond most of the students.

After eating Sora- Orihime's brother- as a Hollow, he spent his days wandering around.

Finally, Rukia walked in.

Shogekiha smiled. _Oh, time for fun… yes, fun…_

* * *

As Ichigo lay bleeding, he suddenly felt… better.

"What the…"

He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Take it easy." Shogekiha said, smirking. "I'll handle this."

Poiting his finger at the Captain and Lieutenant, he smirked.

"Soifon mentioned me, right?"

Both men paled.

"VASTO LORDES ARRANCAR, MOTHER FUCKER!"

BOOM

* * *

Shogekiha, in Hollow form, dragged the bloody Lieutenant and Captain into the meeting room, to the amazement of the Captains.

"Hey, Ukitake. What's up? You get out of Hueco Mundo okay? Good. Soifon… you have _the _single, greatest ass I have ever seen. Aizen… fuck. You. Seriously. I only got my powers back, like, last fucking week. Oh, and I kicked Barragan's ass so bad he can't sit any more. Seriously." The Arrancar finished, pulling the bladed shield off his back. "I mean, the Magic Marble was wonderful, but good god, man… put some EFFORT forward. Oh, Tosen… yeah, we kill Aizen, less blood. Gin, stabby stab?"  
"Yep."  
"Bankai."

"Bankai."  
"Protect, Vindicador." (Vindicator)

After Aizen was a pile of smoldering ash, all three grinned.

"Do I get a bounty for this?"

Yamamoto slowly nodded.  
"Sweet. How about this. I don't bomb the Seireitei, but…"  
"But what?"

"…I get a harem."

Soifon gave him a stare. "You can't possibly-"

"Starting with her."

"That is-"

"Cero…"

"Perfectly acceptable!" Yamamoto finished with a forced smiled. "Er… will she…"

"Don't worry. I plan death by snu snu. She'll be back in… crap, instant regeneration… six months."

Soifon growled, and the Arrancar smiled.

"Oh, don't be like that! When I'm done, you'll feel like a real woman!"

* * *

Leaning back, he smirked at a sleeping Soifon. His body was covered in scratches, and he felt GREAT.

Smirking, he pulled out a notebook, and checked off the name, before tossing the Hogyoku in the air.

"Next… Tia Harribel."

* * *

The Author stared at the Arrancar. "…The hell?"

Shogekiha waved his hands. "Don't look at me! You wrote it!"

550 shook his head, before reaching over and pulling up a new document.

"What are you doing?"

"…Rerite. You are woman."

"What!?"

"And Soifon is rather… domineering…"

"YOU WILL FEEL MY PAIN!"

* * *

AN: And that, my friends, is what happens when you write on a sugar high. Or drunk. At this point in time, I'm not sure what this was. In any event, I hope it gave you a laugh. This was making fun of those fics with OC's that are just brutally overpowered. I'l be the first to say, I LIKE OC stories. Just... remember. An OC, the majority of the time, should be a supporting character. Otherwise, create a new story for them. Or, better yet, think 'how would the world change if (OC) was added to (EVENT)? People... look up 'hero' complex. A Hero is only a Hero so long as they overcome the odds, dramatic victories, etc etc. Nobody wants a story about that.

Hence, this. I made fun of OP characters. And what the results usually are.

HERO GETS POWERS-HERO FIGHTS VILLAN-DRAMATIC VICTORY-HERO GETS GIRL.

Or, for the hell of it, make it a tragedy!

Seriously... would you ready Bleach or Naruto or whatnot if the heroes always had a crushing victory? No? Point made.


	3. On some level, it makes sense

Yamamoto banged his cane on the ground.

"Aizen is our most important enemy! We must not allow him to-"

Knock knock.

Yamamoto looked up. "Enter."

Hanataro walked in. All the captains raised an eyebrow at the presence of the medic.

"Yamamoto." he stated. "I will eliminate this threat."

Everyone looked at the medic. "...What?" Histugaya plainly said.

Yamamoto coughed. "Er..."

Hanataro looked around. "Is it not obvious? I am the Spirit King."

There was silence for a few minutes, before Kenpachi placed a hand on his blade.

"Works for me!"

* * *

**I don't get it either. A little thing that popped into my head. If someone wants to write a story about Hanataro being the Spirit King, be my guest.**


End file.
